Tuesday, 15 November 2005
Christian: 'Growing pastors...'
I left school today feeling somewhere between angry, belittled, unwanted, and out of place. Not by fellow students, mind you, but by a professor. The particular professor in question has a history of belittling students and treating them like disquieted adolescents in need of constant discipline, instead of like graduate school students and fellow workers in ministry. When his tone isn't condescending (it often is), it is devoid of any emotion whatsoever. The material of the course demands an emotional response, yet none from the professor can be found.
Fellow student Carlos has a pretty accurate summary of how it feels to be in seminary some days. The question at hand is, "Is this how we grow future pastors?" Is this how it's done? By bludgeoning them, belittling them, second-guessing them, putting them through meat grinders, lying to them, projecting all our hope (and all our fear) onto them, and then asking at the end, "Do you still love Jesus?"
The CRC wonders, of course, why it faces massive vacancies in parishes across the denomination. Could it be because the seminary - far from being known as a wonderful place where students go to grow in faith and love the Lord - is known more as a boot camp where students are students are pushed and pushed until they either break or (by some miracle) emerge on the other side of the comprehensive exams gasping for breath? Seen from this perspective, the decision to attend seminary looks less like a divine calling and more like the echoes of psychopathy.
It's finals week, and perhaps what I'm feeling is just the weight of a semester quarter of work. But are Meg, Carlos, Mike, and so many others of us all wrong?
(It must be recognized that each of us, despite complaints, has a strong desire to see the seminary become more than it is. Our complaints and protests are not the vicissitudes of unruly spirits, but rather the longing of passionate students who desperately want to see the seminary, the Church, and the Gospel lifted up more and more. We expected to face adversity, but we did not expect to face it in seminary.)
What other people had to say
Carlos wrote:
Hey Christian,
It is nice to know I am not alone in how I feel at seminary. After what you said last night and reading your entry, I feel a certain kind of kinship and comfort. Granted, it does not take away from the anxiety but it good to know I am not alone.
Thanks!
Meg wrote:
Hey Christian,
It does feel fabulous to know I'm not alone but you're right. We can't all be wrong so the question is: do we dig our heels in and say, "I'll take the good stuff but emerge with my soul, thank you" or do we cut our losses and get the h, e, double hockey-sticks out of this joint? How do we harness our comraderie into a vehicle for mutual emotional and spiritual support? Lord knows I need plenty of that if I'm going to take up option one (which, I think, is my preference at this point.)
Mike wrote:
Christian, great to see you at the brewery on tues night. I'll miss our conversations. - Mike
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