Monday, 19 December 2005
Beth: Bah Humbug.
Christmas is in a week. Normally that single sentence would send me into fits of glee. Not this year. This year, I'm so far down in the dumps that not even mint M&M's are helping to cheer me up. I don't know what's wrong except that I feel unhappy about almost everything currently. I fear that I've been posting happy Christmas messages to friends' blogs to try to trick myself into believing that I'm excited and happy, but when I'm home and it's just me, it's not working.
I feel like a failure insofar as I'm 2.5 years post graduation and I have yet to be successful in anything and obtain financial security with a good job that brings career fulfillment. How ridiculous is it that I'm unemployed for the second time in one calendar year? What must be wrong with me, that I can't get hired and stay employed in a position that I'd actually enjoy? And how ridiculous is it that the single act of me losing my job sends us into financial panic, resulting in a massive scaling back of any desired Christmas celebrations and causing us to not even be able to buy the presents that we wanted to buy? Or go to a movie or concert? Seriously. At this point people should be buying houses or investing or being able to buy a nicer car or something. And I feel like we're back to square one again. Again.
I am incredibly mad at my former place of employment. If they want to restructure the business and eliminate positions, fine. But it shouldn't have been done in the cold and heartless manner that was done to me. Why did they encourage me to give it my all and work overtime with the promise of Christmas bonuses if they were going to let me go 3 weeks before the holiday without so much as a thank-you? Why did they hype up the annual Christmas party, to be held at the city's most prestigious restaurant, when in actuality the company Christmas party was held without telling me, while I was still employed with the company? Why was I cut out in the middle of the Christmas season, without so much as a warning? Christmas is my favorite time of year, and they played a huge role in ruining it for me.
I feel like an afterthought to some of my friends. I feel jealous of the stuff that they do without me, even if it's with a different group of people that I don't even "belong" to. I don't know why. When I do get invited to things, I feel like it's out of obligation or something. Half of the time I don't even feel like accepting the invitation because I'm sure that I wouldn't be fun to hang out with anyway. I try to tell myself I'm being irrational, because I've never felt this insecure in relationships before, but I can't snap out of it. I also don't feel like I have very many friends anymore, which doesn't make me feel better about myself, either.
I feel like a failure around the house, too. With Christian working full-time and also having classes/midterms, you'd think that my unemployed self would find other ways to help out. But the place is a pigsty and I can't muster one single ounce of motivation to do anything about it.
I'm trying to find ways to regain that Christmas spirit. Our neighborhood theatre held a free showing of "Elf" yesterday, so I went. By myself. And during the movie, things were fine. I laughed. Then at night we went to hear my old choir sing, and at two points in the program - the Biebl "Ave Maria," and singing along with the final "O Holy Night" - I felt that dark cloud lifting. Then we got home, I sat on my ass, stared at a dirty house for a few hours, and ended the evening completely bitching out Christian. It's not his fault that he's sick, but I sure made him feel like it was. And that made me feel even worse.
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I hope it passes soon. I only have a week until my very favorite holiday, and I'd much rather prefer that my smiles be genuine.
What other people had to say
Rachel N. wrote:
Beth, you have no idea how well you can echo my thoughts. Your life mirror's mine in so many ways, it's crazy. I've always felt I've had a connection to you ever since you dropped me Lewis Hizer's name, and every time I read your blog or some of your posts, your thoughts hit home with me.
Since graduating from college in December 2000, I've held jobs that weren't fulfilling and didn't pay well, I wasn't appreciated or psyched about the work I did. Since I've never been happy, my life post-college has been one continuous job search. I've been so close to some great new job that I could taste it. And then I'm flushed. "What must be wrong with me" has been my rhetorical question for the past five years.
I feel as thought Scott gets the brunt of my outlashes (poor guy), puts up with my sour moods, and has taken on so much more as the role of breadwinner.
So this is nothing more than a reflection. I have no stellar words of advice, no motivational things to say, really nothing more than "I feel you, girl."
Matt wrote:
Melissa and I are the same way. Right now I'm doing crazy work and she is going to school, and trying to find a job. I look at it this way; some time I'll be sitting around between jobs while she's working away. It all evens out in the end. Soon enough you'll find another job but no job is ever a perfect, dream job. There's always glitches. We haven't bought a house or paid of any debt yet either if it makes you feel any better. It's hard saying you can't make a trip home because you're broke.
Ben A. wrote:
I have the financial stuff pretty much taken care of right now. But I know it won't always be that way. It never is. You all come home to somebody who loves you. Me? I live in hotels and when I do make it "home" I see an empty apartment with nobody there waiting for me, no kids to grab up in my arms and play ball with and no wife to hold while watching a late night movie. Especially this time of year, I'd give my current life up for a family of my own.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but realize how rich you all really are. You have someone who loves you in a way that I have yet to know. That's something that you cannot buy, even if you had the equity of a house. I mean think about all the things you can be thankful for:
1) Each other
2) Your friends
3) Christian is employed and in school
4) Your health (both yours and Christian's has improved)
5) Family in town (if I remember correctly)
6) Christ
Those things make you reacher than a vast majority of the world. I know it's easy to get down this time of year. Especially when it's become so much about what gifts you can give and where you can travel to. Try giving each other a gift that you don't buy. Something uniquely from your heart that says how much you love that person you're giving it to.
I dunno. Just some thoughts saying things aren't necessarily heaven on the other side of the fence either.
Emily K. wrote:
Beth-Thinking about you today and hoping that the spirit of Christmas will return to you soon. As your friend Ben said, be so thankful that you have a heavenly Father who does not want this suffering for you. He wants much more than that and He has a plan in store for you. It is so hard to see that now, but soon things will all be made clear. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying continously that things will get better. Hang in there!
megan wrote:
eee! Mint m&ms! I love those. Forget "Christmas is in a week;" "mint m&ms" will send me into a fit of glee.
jennifer_lotus (visit me at livejournal.com) wrote:
Hey -
I was Googling "mint M&Ms" and happened upon your blog.
Beth - you're so normal. I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but I'm 32 and my online journal reads a lot like yours. There's actually scientific research out there about something called the quarter-life crisis... you might think about checking it out. Ours is one of the first generations to *not* do better than our parents. The best advice I can give (if I can be so presumptuous) is to follow your bliss. It may take time to find it, but the world needs you.
Sending warm thoughts from Oregon...
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