The weblogs of Beth, Christian, and the cat: updated daily, weekly, or occasionally.
Monday, 19 December 2005
Beth: Bah Humbug.
Christmas is in a week. Normally that single sentence would send me into fits of glee. Not this year. This year, I'm so far down in the dumps that not even mint M&M's are helping to cheer me up. I don't know what's wrong except that I feel unhappy about almost everything currently. I fear that I've been posting happy Christmas messages to friends' blogs to try to trick myself into believing that I'm excited and happy, but when I'm home and it's just me, it's not working.
I feel like a failure insofar as I'm 2.5 years post graduation and I have yet to be successful in anything and obtain financial security with a good job that brings career fulfillment. How ridiculous is it that I'm unemployed for the second time in one calendar year? What must be wrong with me, that I can't get hired and stay employed in a position that I'd actually enjoy? And how ridiculous is it that the single act of me losing my job sends us into financial panic, resulting in a massive scaling back of any desired Christmas celebrations and causing us to not even be able to buy the presents that we wanted to buy? Or go to a movie or concert? Seriously. At this point people should be buying houses or investing or being able to buy a nicer car or something. And I feel like we're back to square one again. Again.
I am incredibly mad at my former place of employment. If they want to restructure the business and eliminate positions, fine. But it shouldn't have been done in the cold and heartless manner that was done to me. Why did they encourage me to give it my all and work overtime with the promise of Christmas bonuses if they were going to let me go 3 weeks before the holiday without so much as a thank-you? Why did they hype up the annual Christmas party, to be held at the city's most prestigious restaurant, when in actuality the company Christmas party was held without telling me, while I was still employed with the company? Why was I cut out in the middle of the Christmas season, without so much as a warning? Christmas is my favorite time of year, and they played a huge role in ruining it for me.
I feel like an afterthought to some of my friends. I feel jealous of the stuff that they do without me, even if it's with a different group of people that I don't even "belong" to. I don't know why. When I do get invited to things, I feel like it's out of obligation or something. Half of the time I don't even feel like accepting the invitation because I'm sure that I wouldn't be fun to hang out with anyway. I try to tell myself I'm being irrational, because I've never felt this insecure in relationships before, but I can't snap out of it. I also don't feel like I have very many friends anymore, which doesn't make me feel better about myself, either.
I feel like a failure around the house, too. With Christian working full-time and also having classes/midterms, you'd think that my unemployed self would find other ways to help out. But the place is a pigsty and I can't muster one single ounce of motivation to do anything about it.
I'm trying to find ways to regain that Christmas spirit. Our neighborhood theatre held a free showing of "Elf" yesterday, so I went. By myself. And during the movie, things were fine. I laughed. Then at night we went to hear my old choir sing, and at two points in the program - the Biebl "Ave Maria," and singing along with the final "O Holy Night" - I felt that dark cloud lifting. Then we got home, I sat on my ass, stared at a dirty house for a few hours, and ended the evening completely bitching out Christian. It's not his fault that he's sick, but I sure made him feel like it was. And that made me feel even worse.
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I hope it passes soon. I only have a week until my very favorite holiday, and I'd much rather prefer that my smiles be genuine.
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