The weblogs of Beth, Christian, and the cat: updated daily, weekly, or occasionally.
Tuesday, 15 November 2005
Christian: 'Growing pastors...'
I left school today feeling somewhere between angry, belittled, unwanted, and out of place. Not by fellow students, mind you, but by a professor. The particular professor in question has a history of belittling students and treating them like disquieted adolescents in need of constant discipline, instead of like graduate school students and fellow workers in ministry. When his tone isn't condescending (it often is), it is devoid of any emotion whatsoever. The material of the course demands an emotional response, yet none from the professor can be found.
Fellow student Carlos has a pretty accurate summary of how it feels to be in seminary some days. The question at hand is, "Is this how we grow future pastors?" Is this how it's done? By bludgeoning them, belittling them, second-guessing them, putting them through meat grinders, lying to them, projecting all our hope (and all our fear) onto them, and then asking at the end, "Do you still love Jesus?"
The CRC wonders, of course, why it faces massive vacancies in parishes across the denomination. Could it be because the seminary - far from being known as a wonderful place where students go to grow in faith and love the Lord - is known more as a boot camp where students are students are pushed and pushed until they either break or (by some miracle) emerge on the other side of the comprehensive exams gasping for breath? Seen from this perspective, the decision to attend seminary looks less like a divine calling and more like the echoes of psychopathy.
It's finals week, and perhaps what I'm feeling is just the weight of a semester quarter of work. But are Meg, Carlos, Mike, and so many others of us all wrong?
(It must be recognized that each of us, despite complaints, has a strong desire to see the seminary become more than it is. Our complaints and protests are not the vicissitudes of unruly spirits, but rather the longing of passionate students who desperately want to see the seminary, the Church, and the Gospel lifted up more and more. We expected to face adversity, but we did not expect to face it in seminary.)
Beth: Beth needs...
I haven't had much to write about recently...I've become rather disillusioned with quite a few things as of late. Is there really a place for me in this post-college, working-woman's world? Often I have felt left out to dry, forgotten by the college that was all too eager to put me in debt for the next 40 years and then usher me out the door before I'd hardly had a chance to bid it a proper farewell. I feel as though my entire education was a build-up to promised success and happiness, and now I'm being let down. Often I wonder if I will ever be happy doing whatever it is I'm doing for 40 hours out of the week, and pessimism gets the better of me. Most of the time I feel like I won't fit in anywhere. And so I am terrified to move on to something new, for fear of that happening all over again. I am growing weary from the toll this is taking on my spirit.
(I'll just come right out and say it: I made the wrong job decision back in April. That stings to have to admit.)
I know it's probably unfair of me to be saying these things, since I have had some incredible experiences. Just not out in the "real world." All I want is to be happy, fulfilled, and making a difference. I guess that's a lot to ask.
In other, less-depressing blog-tidbits, a new blogging fad tells people to type in "[their name] needs" at Google and list the first 10 things that come up. What a marvelous waste of ten minutes! So without further ado:
1. Beth needs it, so it will be done. (Can't argue with that!)
2. Beth needs follow-up surgeries. (Heaven help me, I hope not.)
3. Beth needs prayers. (Yup.)
4. Beth needs to realize she has a problem. (I have many problems, thanks.)
5. Beth needs cash and agrees to go deep undercover. (I think that spy work is more up Julie's alley.)
6. Beth needs your vote at Foxsports.com! (Yeah! Vote for me! Underwater basket-weaving while performing a triple lutz!)
7. Beth needs a first-floor bedroom. (I was taught that young women should avoid first floor apartments. But what do I know.)
8. Beth needs to look within at what she is believing about her weight, food and exercise. (I knew that YMCA membership would start sending me subliminal messages soon.)
9. Beth needs teeth. (Uhhh...)
10. Beth needs to know where we are every second. (Do I have OCD?)
...and because #11 was too good to leave out...
11. Beth needs to rediscover what made us fall in love with her in the first place. (O faithful readers, do tell!)
P.S. Sorry for two depressing posts in a row here...must be that time of year.
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